It has been a while. And my camera has been as silent as my fingers. But I suddenly feel this longing to do something with this ever pressing feeling that the world and life is so strange. You know the splitting seconds where suddenly you are looking at yourself from above and whether it’s a laugh, cry, or a sigh, its sort of the feeling: “this is life - how weird!” This past month I have been so many places both figuratively and literally. Using two pieces of wood to travel through frozen water for the first time in 10 years – it was great. I am going to do it more regularly (once I move I don’t plan on living in a place where this is possible ever again so I might as well take advantage of the good things) but it was the first of many permutation of the past and present (I guess the future as well) on my month long journey out of Boston. While I was skiing I kept feeling that I should feel more fear. I should be afraid but I wasn’t. I didn’t care and it seemed weird that I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t braving in double black diamonds but still snow, ice, trees, down hill at high speeds with little control should insight some fear, right? As a child I remember feeling fear. Isn’t it the child who is supposed to be fearless and the adult (as some would say my age defines me as) caution and fearful? (is there a difference between full of fear and fearful?)
I also went to Dallas. I just realized that Dallas is probably the most consistent thing in my life which seems hilarious to me. When I first went away to school I hated going back. And then I would always feel this knot in my stomach when it was time to leave there. Then a few years later I didn’t mind going. But this time I really looked forward to it and was a little sad to leave. And not much has changed there – except of course Ty is almost 4 and as funny as ever. My sister is pregnant. And my brother is dating his high school sweat-heart again (which is weird- in a very ever after kind of way).
I also traveled to Austin, which was great! But also a little weird. I hadn’t been there in a year. And it was sort of like the world turns a little slower there in some ways – so I could pick up right where I left off. But in other ways it was like I could never really be there again. I love that place; the place in and of itself. If I had to pick a city as ‘home’ I would choose Austin for sure. I was a little afraid that I had built it up on a pedestal in my mind and would be disappointed by it (and I was disappointed with some of the places that had closed down) but the feel (& the thought) of the city still excites me.
Since my return to Boston (the first night back a sweltering 4 degrees with no fucking heat!) I feel different than when I left. Its sounds corny, I know but I haven’t found the words to describe it yet. BUT I have decided that I need to fall in love – I need to have a passionate yet brief fling – with this city. I have heard many say they think it is a great city, but I have such a hard time seeing it. So that is my new goal – bitch about the cold while falling in love with this place. I have been back less than a week and I have explored several places I have never been (including a place that has tons of GOOD used cds and movies for $3-$8- any requests?). I currently am setting in a coffee shop I stumbled upon. So if anyone still reads this and has suggestions, thoughts, memories, dreams about this place – PLEASE send them my way.
Happy New Year!
