I am crossing that line....

I periodically ramble about random things or abstract thoughts & mostly to myself… so I guess the line I’m crossing doesn’t matter too much (I actually can’t believe it has taken me this long to cross it). But yesterday as the news outlets have told us over and over again - a doctor was killed in Kansas. Yes, awful & shocking. But what is more awful and shocking is the things that people are saying…

Check out this link to a New York Times blog – people are practically praising this murder…

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/01/did-the-murder-of-dr-tiller-work/


My stomach ties in knots….to respond does one appeal to their emotional side – by telling a compelling story of abandoned child, or the mother whose life is put at risk to give birth to a fetus that is not expected to live more than a few days? Or perhaps you go the rational route of statistics – quick searches tell you there are over 500,000 children in the foster care system, or that 1.35 million U.S. children are homeless on any given night & 42% of homeless children are under the age of five. (I don’t think I can accept that any response is a lot cause – because what kind of world would this be?)

Sure, this happens for a lot of reasons but anyone who has picked up a paper in the last year is no stranger to the expenses & complications of our healthcare system – getting any type of birth control can be extremely difficult & expensive. Not to mention the lack of comprehensive sex education that leaves millions of teenagers across the country unable to make educated decisions about these things. These are just two of many factors in our society that lead to alarming high rate of pregnancies by women who are not emotionally, financially, or physically able for some reason to give a child the proper care they need.

I think for just about any reason – financial, emotional, physical, etc….if a woman decides that she is not able to turn over her body for 9 months, altering how she functions each minute of the day for those 9 months…AND then how she lives for the next (at least) 18 years of her life to properly love, care and look after a child – then it is her choice to not have a baby. Short of committing a crime – there is no other choice in our society that can dictate how you live your life for that many years - 18 years is at least a quarter of your life & in all reality its much longer than those years. So why aren’t more people outraged at the thought of taking that choice away? The decision to have children is a wonderful and beautiful thing but if it’s not something you can or want to do then its hell & the real victim is that child who has to suffer through that life. Yes, adoption is an option but its still a life changing event that is the woman’s choice. A fetus has no memory, no feelings, no consciousness… these are things that make it life you are not killing a life if you allow and woman & her doctor decide what is best for her. (& the science of the debate is ridiculous standard that is ever changing - regardless of science if the fetus cannot physically survive on its own outside the womb it is not murder… so that should be your cut off point). And when it comes to the question of health or life of mother – clearly it’s the mother’s choice.


And I am continually amazed at the anti choice (to the play semantic game) people’s utter lack of concern for the quality of life… they only seem to care up to that first breath – then your own your baby. Is it fine if the child starves or dies from pneumonia because lack of food, housing, medical care? Child care for an infant can range from $4,000 a year to $10,000 a year… if you make minimum wage you make less than $14,000 before taxes…meaning a significantly large portion of your money goes just pay for your child to have care while you work – then you get to factor in the housing, bills, and food.

I could go on and on illustrating this but the point is if anti choice people put as much money, effort, & time into taking care of our children, low income families and single mothers, or in fighting for good affordable healthcare for all, or compressive sex education as they do into the tactics to create fear & violence they would save a lot more lives without murdering anyone….

Words seem to fall off my tongue

at a slightly slower rate than the snow seems to fall which is perhaps why I can’t seem to find them. So this is my excuse for all those phone calls I have not returned, 12 unheard voicemails on my phone, 32 emails still marked unread waiting for a reply, the lapse in dates on this page,




I know, I know it makes no sense… especially since the events of the past 8 months have vigorously shaken the glass ball each time it seemed the little white flecks were about to settle……I have lived in 3 places, played a role in a historic election, painted many walls, traveled over sees, moved by the perspective and kindness of new people, watched old friends fade into the past, learned the true effects of the addict’s compulsion, inspired by a strangers expression and crippled by the expression of my family…. So why am I still at a loss for words?

ITs me against the world...

And I am losing.

But all the lights are turning green and I am still at full speed. So either I will eventually be ahead or I will drive myself into the ground.


Either way atleast the yellow lines are passing for the time being. Well so it seems... only I can no longer tell if I am moving forward or backwards.

(But I must have gotten close to 200 miles today.)

Stuck in this artic city

MISSING EVERYTHING....






World meet Bryson Rixon. (I am an Aunt - again).




He's a bit cuter after a day with oxygen.

Where the past and present collide

It has been a while. And my camera has been as silent as my fingers. But I suddenly feel this longing to do something with this ever pressing feeling that the world and life is so strange. You know the splitting seconds where suddenly you are looking at yourself from above and whether it’s a laugh, cry, or a sigh, its sort of the feeling: “this is life - how weird!” This past month I have been so many places both figuratively and literally. Using two pieces of wood to travel through frozen water for the first time in 10 years – it was great. I am going to do it more regularly (once I move I don’t plan on living in a place where this is possible ever again so I might as well take advantage of the good things) but it was the first of many permutation of the past and present (I guess the future as well) on my month long journey out of Boston. While I was skiing I kept feeling that I should feel more fear. I should be afraid but I wasn’t. I didn’t care and it seemed weird that I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t braving in double black diamonds but still snow, ice, trees, down hill at high speeds with little control should insight some fear, right? As a child I remember feeling fear. Isn’t it the child who is supposed to be fearless and the adult (as some would say my age defines me as) caution and fearful? (is there a difference between full of fear and fearful?)

I also went to Dallas. I just realized that Dallas is probably the most consistent thing in my life which seems hilarious to me. When I first went away to school I hated going back. And then I would always feel this knot in my stomach when it was time to leave there. Then a few years later I didn’t mind going. But this time I really looked forward to it and was a little sad to leave. And not much has changed there – except of course Ty is almost 4 and as funny as ever. My sister is pregnant. And my brother is dating his high school sweat-heart again (which is weird- in a very ever after kind of way).

I also traveled to Austin, which was great! But also a little weird. I hadn’t been there in a year. And it was sort of like the world turns a little slower there in some ways – so I could pick up right where I left off. But in other ways it was like I could never really be there again. I love that place; the place in and of itself. If I had to pick a city as ‘home’ I would choose Austin for sure. I was a little afraid that I had built it up on a pedestal in my mind and would be disappointed by it (and I was disappointed with some of the places that had closed down) but the feel (& the thought) of the city still excites me.
Since my return to Boston (the first night back a sweltering 4 degrees with no fucking heat!) I feel different than when I left. Its sounds corny, I know but I haven’t found the words to describe it yet. BUT I have decided that I need to fall in love – I need to have a passionate yet brief fling – with this city. I have heard many say they think it is a great city, but I have such a hard time seeing it. So that is my new goal – bitch about the cold while falling in love with this place. I have been back less than a week and I have explored several places I have never been (including a place that has tons of GOOD used cds and movies for $3-$8- any requests?). I currently am setting in a coffee shop I stumbled upon. So if anyone still reads this and has suggestions, thoughts, memories, dreams about this place – PLEASE send them my way.

Happy New Year!