I am crossing that line....

I periodically ramble about random things or abstract thoughts & mostly to myself… so I guess the line I’m crossing doesn’t matter too much (I actually can’t believe it has taken me this long to cross it). But yesterday as the news outlets have told us over and over again - a doctor was killed in Kansas. Yes, awful & shocking. But what is more awful and shocking is the things that people are saying…

Check out this link to a New York Times blog – people are practically praising this murder…

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/06/01/did-the-murder-of-dr-tiller-work/


My stomach ties in knots….to respond does one appeal to their emotional side – by telling a compelling story of abandoned child, or the mother whose life is put at risk to give birth to a fetus that is not expected to live more than a few days? Or perhaps you go the rational route of statistics – quick searches tell you there are over 500,000 children in the foster care system, or that 1.35 million U.S. children are homeless on any given night & 42% of homeless children are under the age of five. (I don’t think I can accept that any response is a lot cause – because what kind of world would this be?)

Sure, this happens for a lot of reasons but anyone who has picked up a paper in the last year is no stranger to the expenses & complications of our healthcare system – getting any type of birth control can be extremely difficult & expensive. Not to mention the lack of comprehensive sex education that leaves millions of teenagers across the country unable to make educated decisions about these things. These are just two of many factors in our society that lead to alarming high rate of pregnancies by women who are not emotionally, financially, or physically able for some reason to give a child the proper care they need.

I think for just about any reason – financial, emotional, physical, etc….if a woman decides that she is not able to turn over her body for 9 months, altering how she functions each minute of the day for those 9 months…AND then how she lives for the next (at least) 18 years of her life to properly love, care and look after a child – then it is her choice to not have a baby. Short of committing a crime – there is no other choice in our society that can dictate how you live your life for that many years - 18 years is at least a quarter of your life & in all reality its much longer than those years. So why aren’t more people outraged at the thought of taking that choice away? The decision to have children is a wonderful and beautiful thing but if it’s not something you can or want to do then its hell & the real victim is that child who has to suffer through that life. Yes, adoption is an option but its still a life changing event that is the woman’s choice. A fetus has no memory, no feelings, no consciousness… these are things that make it life you are not killing a life if you allow and woman & her doctor decide what is best for her. (& the science of the debate is ridiculous standard that is ever changing - regardless of science if the fetus cannot physically survive on its own outside the womb it is not murder… so that should be your cut off point). And when it comes to the question of health or life of mother – clearly it’s the mother’s choice.


And I am continually amazed at the anti choice (to the play semantic game) people’s utter lack of concern for the quality of life… they only seem to care up to that first breath – then your own your baby. Is it fine if the child starves or dies from pneumonia because lack of food, housing, medical care? Child care for an infant can range from $4,000 a year to $10,000 a year… if you make minimum wage you make less than $14,000 before taxes…meaning a significantly large portion of your money goes just pay for your child to have care while you work – then you get to factor in the housing, bills, and food.

I could go on and on illustrating this but the point is if anti choice people put as much money, effort, & time into taking care of our children, low income families and single mothers, or in fighting for good affordable healthcare for all, or compressive sex education as they do into the tactics to create fear & violence they would save a lot more lives without murdering anyone….

Words seem to fall off my tongue

at a slightly slower rate than the snow seems to fall which is perhaps why I can’t seem to find them. So this is my excuse for all those phone calls I have not returned, 12 unheard voicemails on my phone, 32 emails still marked unread waiting for a reply, the lapse in dates on this page,




I know, I know it makes no sense… especially since the events of the past 8 months have vigorously shaken the glass ball each time it seemed the little white flecks were about to settle……I have lived in 3 places, played a role in a historic election, painted many walls, traveled over sees, moved by the perspective and kindness of new people, watched old friends fade into the past, learned the true effects of the addict’s compulsion, inspired by a strangers expression and crippled by the expression of my family…. So why am I still at a loss for words?

ITs me against the world...

And I am losing.

But all the lights are turning green and I am still at full speed. So either I will eventually be ahead or I will drive myself into the ground.


Either way atleast the yellow lines are passing for the time being. Well so it seems... only I can no longer tell if I am moving forward or backwards.

(But I must have gotten close to 200 miles today.)

Stuck in this artic city

MISSING EVERYTHING....






World meet Bryson Rixon. (I am an Aunt - again).




He's a bit cuter after a day with oxygen.

Where the past and present collide

It has been a while. And my camera has been as silent as my fingers. But I suddenly feel this longing to do something with this ever pressing feeling that the world and life is so strange. You know the splitting seconds where suddenly you are looking at yourself from above and whether it’s a laugh, cry, or a sigh, its sort of the feeling: “this is life - how weird!” This past month I have been so many places both figuratively and literally. Using two pieces of wood to travel through frozen water for the first time in 10 years – it was great. I am going to do it more regularly (once I move I don’t plan on living in a place where this is possible ever again so I might as well take advantage of the good things) but it was the first of many permutation of the past and present (I guess the future as well) on my month long journey out of Boston. While I was skiing I kept feeling that I should feel more fear. I should be afraid but I wasn’t. I didn’t care and it seemed weird that I didn’t. Don’t get me wrong I wasn’t braving in double black diamonds but still snow, ice, trees, down hill at high speeds with little control should insight some fear, right? As a child I remember feeling fear. Isn’t it the child who is supposed to be fearless and the adult (as some would say my age defines me as) caution and fearful? (is there a difference between full of fear and fearful?)

I also went to Dallas. I just realized that Dallas is probably the most consistent thing in my life which seems hilarious to me. When I first went away to school I hated going back. And then I would always feel this knot in my stomach when it was time to leave there. Then a few years later I didn’t mind going. But this time I really looked forward to it and was a little sad to leave. And not much has changed there – except of course Ty is almost 4 and as funny as ever. My sister is pregnant. And my brother is dating his high school sweat-heart again (which is weird- in a very ever after kind of way).

I also traveled to Austin, which was great! But also a little weird. I hadn’t been there in a year. And it was sort of like the world turns a little slower there in some ways – so I could pick up right where I left off. But in other ways it was like I could never really be there again. I love that place; the place in and of itself. If I had to pick a city as ‘home’ I would choose Austin for sure. I was a little afraid that I had built it up on a pedestal in my mind and would be disappointed by it (and I was disappointed with some of the places that had closed down) but the feel (& the thought) of the city still excites me.
Since my return to Boston (the first night back a sweltering 4 degrees with no fucking heat!) I feel different than when I left. Its sounds corny, I know but I haven’t found the words to describe it yet. BUT I have decided that I need to fall in love – I need to have a passionate yet brief fling – with this city. I have heard many say they think it is a great city, but I have such a hard time seeing it. So that is my new goal – bitch about the cold while falling in love with this place. I have been back less than a week and I have explored several places I have never been (including a place that has tons of GOOD used cds and movies for $3-$8- any requests?). I currently am setting in a coffee shop I stumbled upon. So if anyone still reads this and has suggestions, thoughts, memories, dreams about this place – PLEASE send them my way.

Happy New Year!

4:16 is the...

Time of Sunset tomorrow. How can the sun go down in the middle of the afternoon? I think we should create a few more time zones because this is absurd.


Happy Turkey Day!
I ran in the GOBBLE GOBBLE race - 4.1 miles and I came in around 31 min. Not to bad considering I hadn't been running too much. And my friend Tom got a shot of me coming in on his video camera. I am working up a hardcore bribe to get him not to post it on utube!!

It was snowing..

while I WAS RIDING MY BIKE TO WORK. Its not even thanksgiving yet. The whole time i thought...I can't believe i live here. Of course everyone at work was so excited to see the first snow - morons!

SO i have totally slacked on this...the halloween theme was "SOMETHING DEAD"


(i promise to post the picture soon.)
my brother and i went as rock and roll.

(the pictures - not quite a year late...but almost)





My roomate lost his snake in the apartment, we've checked all the cold dark places yet no where to be found. Hope i don't wake up to find it in my bed one of these nights.

I am running in a gobble gobble 4 miles race on thanksgiving day, which would be fine - if it wasn't so cold that I have been a total baby about going running.

Otherwise a not a lot else to tell...

I need to re-learn

how to relax!(my shoulders are permanently up by my ears anymore)

In Boston, my new home, where time creeps and flies (and heat is a fleeting thing).

I’ve been resisting writing (mostly because of lack of free time and internet at once) but also because don't have much to say. No new adventures, submarines, or people to write home about. (except maybe the pet snake, cat and mouse that I live with or my awesome neon blue and orange bike helmet that I wear everywhere- it quite a site when I stand in my new neon green bathroom.)

Rewarded at Random

That is how they keep the rat running the maze over and over again. (well at least according to my friend’s therapist).

For a few brief moments this week I thought: how can I leave this job?

What other job is going to send out to all the boroughs on riddled adventures, making picnic in prospect park, learning an African dance from the ivory Coast,
spending the night in a Sich Temple (great despite the 400 am ritual ceremony), cooking/ serving breakfast in a the Sich kitchen
and dancing with the elders at Sunny side. (By the way it turns out that 90% of people who where Turbans in America are actually seek – and Indian religion that is only 500 years old – not Middle Eastern or as if often assumed) And how am I supposed to answer the very bluntly put 7th graders question “why can’t you just stay?”

After taking some steps away (and a brief consideration of a position with Outward Bound) I realize it was just a random reward of the job, but the day to day is far less rewarding – unless you count growing number of grey hairs as a reward.

So now I am not only hoping I end up in a city that fuels my adventurous spirit, but I also hope that my job becomes one of daily reward. I am always asking for too much, aren’t I?

My room rented (and another toe nail gone) its official…..

My time in New York is almost over. I realized this past weekend I am really going to miss summer in this place (not winter). After giving the official word to my current place of employment – we found (chrissy gets all the credit for finding it) the greatest dive bar: Port 41. Full of old time electrician buying rounds and telling stories (and a bar tender in her bra) free pool, darts ski ball (not plugged in) and popcorn. I followed that up with a free outside show by the water for the river to river festival that takes place all summer (menomena didn’t play a very good show – but I did learn that I was perhaps mispronouncing their name all this time) dinner outside, and a crazy (not so great) cd release party – I would call it indie electronic dance rock. Anyone want the free cd? The next day (after brunch at neighborhood kitchen table- Alma) we went swimming at the Floating Pool Lady (a new free pool in the neighborhood).
I know that might not seem like a big deal – but it was a swimming pool on a barge. While we waited for our swim session we hung out a beach (sand, volleyball, port a potties and all) just across the river from Manhattan; followed by some dancing (and drinking) at Fat Babies in the city. To top the weekend off on Sunday, Chrissy and I went kayaking on the upper west side for free – anyone can go its open to the public just sign your name and put on your life jacket (my kayaking was nothing like this but you must check out Harlan's blog to see his kayaking video!). Then we ate scones in central park while some people had a disco skate party. I was exhausted ( I was asleep by 1030- virtually unheard of for me) but it was a great weekend that just happened, didn’t come out of planning, and didn’t cost much money.



Then on Tuesday I rode my bike (thanks to friend from the bar who gave an amazing bike for free) to work, again doesn’t seem like a big deal except I live in Brooklyn across from the southern tip of Manhattan(belows the green subway line) and I work on the northern tip of Manhattan (168th street). It was somewhere between 12 and 15 miles each way - about an hour and twenty minutes (only 20 more minutes than the train). It was only a little scary after I went over the bridge and had to ride along the streets in the city to west side bike path (I really should get a helmet) but then it was a beautiful path right along the water through many different neighborhoods. And at least a third of the Manhattan’s population runs on a parallel jogging path at 7 am. I think I might for go the car no matter where I live and just try to get around on my bike – save me from having to beg for gas money on the street corners.

But the real question is can I create this kind of life for myself somewhere else?

The nature of my summers

in this city I go until I collapse (unfortunately so far this summer has been mostly work), but I never leave much time for reflection …..which is why my page hasn’t been updates since the hike, thought yesterday I just lost another toe nail due to the hike (yup both pinky toe nails, gone!)

Now my work is winding down and I am counting down the days (36 days until my contract is up) and several of my major projects are over. One of them being a week long academic boot camp in Swarthmore PA; it was a long and trying process preparing for the week. And then the week came and my college student advisors (the camp counselors) were giving me grey hairs (yes I have some, as my mom’s hair dress so kindly pointed out to me). But its done: I successfully organized, developed, implemented, ran with very little sleep or support, a week long camp (that started with my driving a 15 passanger van in the city)


complete with team building activities,cooking lessons, academic classes, field trip to philly, games of capture the flag,a dance off, (as well as some lessons in pop, drop and lock it)
and final projects. And now I feel completely burnt out (with lots of bruises to show for it) and know that if I were ever to take on the classroom as a certified teacher that I could come up with some great lessons on the spot, but I would be one strict (borderline mean) teacher!

Now I am going to take advantage of the summer here, I have list of things to do before I move. Though I have been checking things off (great adventure in jersey, riding bike to coney island, concerts – Bob Weir – in central park, Monday night movie in the park, beach) my list keeps growing.

So those of you who said you were going to come to New York before I move better come on….we got a lot of things to do and not so much time!

The HIKE

I rushed home from work around 930pm on Friday (to an amazing dinner that Chrissy was makingfor me)…finished packing, watched about an hour of tv to ‘relax’, then I was out the door. By 330 am in the pitch black at the Delaware water gap with my ebay used hiking boots, long underwear, hat, and head lamp I started up the Application Trail. Yes mid may and the high is suppose to be in the 50’s with rain. There I was in the dark with 10 other people starting something that almost everyone didn’t think I could do. Everyone else’s doubt was so big it started to seep into my head. As I hiked along the first 3 miles with my head lamp slipping around my head I started thinking can I do this?

The first 10.2 mile stretch was uphill, very rocky, and half in the dark. I was walking with someone who wanted to stop frequently to tighten her boot or look for something in her bag. I wasn’t into that. It took about 2 hours to reach the van. Once I got there I refilled my water grabbed a sandwich and took on up the hill. Only a few people a head of me and most the people changing socks and adding new bandaids. (I with my used e-bay boots didn’t have any blisters.) The next leg was 4.5 miles. I hiked it alone. I was great….I learned that listening to music when you are hiking is not easy. And I am one of those people who listens to music to help me do anything, run, read, write a paper, sleep. But not hike. I hiked the next leg with Danielle and Jason. They are former Project Use workers (the people who created this hike) outdoors people with all the right equipment. I don’t think all that fancy equipment (except for the fancy socks & camel pack) matters all that much. And hiking poles….total waste of energy! The next leg was rough 12.2 miles. It was long and hard. But we kept going. No stopping no breaks. I thought it would take 4 hours but it took so much longer. I don’t know what it is about the 60 seconds at the van taking a bite of this or that makes you feel like you are starting fresh, but it does. And 12 miles is a long way to go without the false freshness. At the 25 mile point…only half way….this is insane!
It was at the end of the 12 miles that most people come off the hike. Maybe its psychological. My hand were swollen and I had sausage fingers. My knee was hurting. I sat down check my feet and tighten my boots, and eat Advil (the days candy of choice) and I was ready to go. My dear friend, Anthony, made a little comment that really chapped my hide. He was asking everyone if they were done. I said no. He said I am not trying to discourage you but it’s a while before we see the van, its uphill, its going to rain, so we need to go now. So are sure you can really handle that? I said yes. Then he said well I am only going if he (another guy who had been at the end of the pack – a project use guy who had tried twice before but never finished) wants to go. I will go to support him otherwise I am not going. I was a little put out. They wouldn’t have let me go myself and why shouldn’t he go to support me in the same way (I was hiking at the front of the group the whole way – and it was my first time out) .

The three of us left. But I decided that I didn’t want to hike at their pace. I took off on my own, long strides, moving fast, before I knew it I couldn’t even see them. I even stopped to pee and they didn’t catch up. I was sure that had to be close behind. This is also where my ipod kept me going. It was a rough leg. When the trees started breathing, not as in the rustling leaves, but as in they expanded and shrunk from the trunk that I knew the lack of sleep and strenuous work was starting to get to me. ...the leaves, dead trees and branches became animals, small children, bridges, etc. At one point I got to a bench at the top of the mountain and I could see philly. I waited there for about 3 minutes the boys (in hopes that they had some food). It was there I also got the pleasure of pulling off my first tick. Not so bad, a little wood tick, looked kind of like a spider except it was burrowed into my skin. The boys arrived with cheese, we start going, laughing at everything…delirium setting in with the rain. I couldn’t wait to see the van so I opened my stride again. I reached the van sat down in the cold rain (to eat a sandwich and wait for the boys…again). I was sure they weren’t going to want to do the last leg. Part of me felt like I am so tired that would be okay. I underestimated them….and we set out on the last 3.2 miles. I was totally pumped. I knew if I started that leg I would have to finish no choice. It was raining, it was cold. I decided the sooner we finished the better so we should push ourselves. I broke into a jog. I was going to do it and do it fast so those ebay boot could come off and I could sit. It was a good stretch of hike. I knew I would finish and even before I had finished that I had really accomplished something.
( I know this might seem crazy – I have done a lot of things but often times when something is over or finished there are things that I feel like I could do better or different or that I sort of had to wing my way through it. Not this. All by myself I done it. Nothing could be changed or different. What a great feeling…)

So 15 hours and 45 min after I started I finished hiking 50 miles on zero hours of sleep. The first one to finish without hiking poles, the second women to ever finish, and one of the few people to finish on their first attempt……and I am still feeling it today.

(I was supposed to wait tables the following night….it took me 10 min just to keep up the stairs to the restaurant – they sent me home, which almost felt like another accomplishment)

None of these pictures where taken after the 32 mile point... i had ditched everything except camel pack and i pod. But I added a link to my yahoo album on this page and as i get pictures from those on the hike I will post them there...... and I am sure someone took pictures of me having a beer when it was all over.

Periods....

That is how I can divide my life…not the shedding tissue bloody kind of period but period as in a dot....... that marks the end of something and the beginning of something else…often related but still not the same. Periods separated by phrases that are repeatedly said to me by different people. Unrelated people. People who don’t know that they are helping to mark a section in my life.

For a long time people were constantly telling me not to take things so seriously…. I would hear that all the time about EVERTHING from my reaction to a movie or tv show to political opinions or things at work. And frankly it would really piss me off because I felt this comment undermined and dismissed the validity of my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. There was a time when I even felt isolated….no one else feels this serious about things.

But I realized the other day that phrase has been replaced. I don’t think it’s because I don’t take things so seriously, but I think that how I express that seriousness has changed. So I guess I should thank all those people who used to repeatedly say that to me.


Start new section.


New phrase.



Not sure how I feel about this one.





In regards to my expectations and standards for everything: the friendliness of the person selling me coffee, the people I work with, the people I meet…and on and on.
I have repeatedly been told (once again but unrelated, unsuspecting people) that I need to lower my standards. When I am told this I don’t feel pissed off, but I do sort of feel this glimmer of hopelessness. Come on! My standards are not that high…if I have to lower them I feel like we must live in truly hopeless world….and what do we do next if that is really the case?

So for now I am not going to lower them, which will lead to a lot of disappointment, but won’t that make the times they are met just that much more rewarding?

i.e. Ben Gibbard solo show : AMAZING – my standards totally met.


(and this counts for this Saturday.... i don't care who says what or that that only one women has ever finshed or that most people don't finish their first try...I expect myself to be able to hike all 50 miles...)

So I went it was mostly great….

& I realized a few things:
1. Some bands cd’s never do justice to how amazing they are : MUSE and Vedera (formerly known as Veda) and Jack Mannequin (but in a different way than the other two…in a way that made even the grown men dance like they were alone in their living room) And some bands just don't sound good at outdoor music festivals....


2. Jersey People are a little crazy especially when they are young…I mean really where is the enjoyment in chunking a water bottle or shoe into the crowd... so that someone can throw it back at you? Or the fact that they didn't quite seem to undersatand the fact the space is not infinite…if there is massive solid object (say metal pole or stage) in front of you then no amount of shoving will create more room.

2.5 Any music festival is better with free rides...

3. I (and Chrissy) have decided that we are addicts
She laid out our plan:
24 was our gateway addiction.....
fall 06 addiction = 24
winter 06/07 addiction = grey's
spring/summer 07 addiction = concerts, metal bands
fall 07 addiction = metal bands, puppies, malt liquor
winter 07 addiction = puppies, malt liquor, crack
cocaine

4. Miller is better than budweiser....if it weren't for the shoving shoe throwing crowd i probably would have never paid $7 to have either of them.

Moral dilemma…

A ridiculous choice but a defining moment.
Months ago I bought tickets to this music festival in Jersey. When I bought the tickets it was every band I could possibly want to see (minus about 4) now some of these bands have dropped out. But still some great bands…MUSE, Jack’s Mannequin, Say Anything, etc etc. No dilemma there........ I am still excited!!

Well I also work one day a week at Alma.
Which is a restaurant, but not just a restaurant, it the restaurant that is part of my bar. My cheers bar where everyone (or most people) know my name. I got a job from my ‘friends’ but there they are my managers….no lines shall be crossed (except none of the lines are that clear anyways).


Well I ended up on my normal Saturday night shift… but I can’t be both in Jersey and Brooklyn at the same time. I think no big deal. I have covered some other people…I can find someone to switch a shift with me.

I called everyone I knew plus some people form last season who I didn’t know. And no one could work for me. Doesn’t seem like a big deal I know. But as the week was growing to an end I was totally loosing sleep over this. I was even getting creative paying for this person’s babysitter and that person’s taxi etc etc. Nothing was working. I found myself staring in the mirror asking which person am I: the girl who screws over her friend that bought ticket to go the festival with her months ago or the girl who screws of her managers ‘friends’ and bails on her Saturday night cinco de mayo shift at the Mexican restaurant. I was really fucking torn. I couldn’t find either of those people in the mirror….but the week was passing and I had to be one. It was very dramatic….I was even scheming up how I would avoid seeing people in my neighborhood for the last 4 months that I live here(just out of shame for being that person – even though I told them I wasn’t going to show up) And that was a horrible feeling, but my friend that I am going to the concert with has been there for me in so many ways….how could I bail on her? Sounds ridiculous but it was killing me…..


Luckily, Joe… Good old Joe, who I don’t even know lost my number but called the restaurant and told them he would work for me. AND now I am going to rock out without any self loathing…….

It almost has to rain....

To make me stop. Summer its finally here, well it still likes to sleep in the morning. But sandals are out, socks & scarves are gone, and I don’t want to waste a second of the warm sunny weather.



I have done a lot of new things this past week and half:
I bought a red shirt (I realized I didn’t own a single red shirt)
I helped dissect a cow eyeball
I baked a huge chocolate chip cake and wrote on it in icing (it kicks American cookies Company’s ass)
I got rid of about half…well almost about half the things I have.
I visited the autopsy room so I could pick a human heart, lung, stomach, brain, and some organ I didn’t recognize…..hello vegetarian.
I drank my first ginger ale….like a subtle version of mountain dew.
I cooked skate fish…didn’t turn so well.
The list could go on, but the point is if it hadn’t started raining I would have never gotten around to picking up anything off my floor (which is where everything I had touched was) and I wouldn’t have stopped to watch Stranger than Fiction. Good movie but I was expecting more.

Anyone please…. I need books. Well not the actual book, just the titles and perhaps the authors. Yes, I know you are thinking how could I have time to read if I can’t even pick things off the floor, but I have an hour commute to work and I am reading a book every three days.


PS All I need to survive the summer is an espresso rocket shake and now I can get them in my kitchen instead of the metro.

The countdown has begun....

I am leaving New York. I am going somewhere warmer. A place where I will never have to hear “I hope it warms up so it will snow.” Its funny in my time hear I have learned a lot, sort like I had a mini little lifetime compacted into a year and half. I am sad to leave. I have a great neighborhood and I have made a lot of great friends. And I know part of leaving is to leave those people; there are probably only a handful of people that I will stay connected with. Perhaps, they replace the friends I have lost touch with from Austin. I am also sad to leave because everything can be an adventure here (even when you wish you could just do laundry or buy cereal without the adventure)
and I don’t know if that can be recreated. Or perhaps it is a mindset and I can recreate it for myself where ever I end up. Well despite the sadness that always comes with letting go and loss…..I am really excited. I have one more summer in New York (the best time to be here) and then I am embarking a new type of adventure. Where I will go I don’t know and won’t know until just before I get placed there. So I can’t plan or even think about what life will be like after August (for the next two years) which forces me to be present in just this moment..... which changes every second.

I didn't mean to take credit where credit wasn't due, the pictures are courtesy of Mr. Blynn. It seemed apropriate to use pictures of a visitor to the city because that is what I have become in way. And I guess i assumed that Mr. Blynn is also the only person who reads this so he would know... :)

The socks have come off....

Maybe a little too soon but I just can’t take it anymore. So I think there is only one person that reads this besides me, so I am not sure why I feel the need to write here again but do I need a reason for the things I do?
In the past few months I have learned some major life lessons.
1. No one is any more an expert than I. Well, atleast for the most part. That’s not to say that I know better than my doctor why my throat hurts or that I understand the interest rates on different savings plan more than a banker, but I do mean that even the doctor doesn’t know exactly what is happening all the time. (the doctors I have met with recently would disagree, they seem to think that because they are doctors they know how to run an adolescent education program better than anyone despite the fact that all their experience with adolescents is to diagnose their aliments of their body) Everyone has areas that they are more familiar with thus know a little more but that doesn’t make them an expert. In fact more and more I feel like nothing really works the way it is supposed to (inside the school system where I use to work or inside the hospital where I now work) and people often are often just making their best guess at what to do next. Maybe for most people this is obvious and simple, but it took me taking on a job that required me to hire, manage people, create things from scratch to realize that everyone is just trying and no one knows for sure about anything. With this realization I the world has a whole new spectrum of colors.
2. With the world of possibilities I also realized that everything you see as your life can shatter in a split second. If you are inside the kitchen doing your own thing you have no idea that the baseball is headed full force towards your stain glass window. While those on the outside might feel the seconds slow down to hours as the ball is making its way towards your window, they have no way of telling you or warning you. You simply cannot and won’t know until the window shatters. I guess all you do is at least hope that is a warm and beautiful day that is suddenly invading your personal space.
3. And lastly the most important thing I have learned in the past few months is something that doesn’t translate into words very well. The best I can do is relate it to a metaphor that I have used (with a select few) my whole life. I woke up one day this past month and realized that my glass box only had three sides. Not four. I can step right on in or out as I see fit. And no one else can see the difference. And once I cut the strings to the past I realized that to step out of the box changed nothing except how I perceived and related to the world (and people in it).


These three things may all be simple but to realize them has had a large impact on me and my relation to the world……and what I want to do in the world. Or perhaps I just thrive best on the verge of total change. I have applied for a new type of job. If I get it I will move…to where who knows. If I don’t get it. I still might move……..I am sick of living in a place where I feel thankful for 40 degrees in the month of April.

A few things here and there...

Not too many great adventures. Though i did go to Ohio to visit my family.
My dad, Ty and I were run away bandits...we stole the target shopping cart. Don't worry it was returned, but Ty thought it was quite an adventure.



Halloween.... Was GREAT!
I think i should carve all my pumpkins at bars....this is the best i have ever done.


I didn't have any trick-or-treaters, but i did get to decorate the local bar.
Spiderwebs, balloons, and yes the outline of dead bodies everywhere.
Who's that girl?















That would be none other than Nikki Finn!!!




The local bookstore had a benefit. They had several readers, a band, a singer.

But this guy and his daughter were the best. Not only did he read a "found concrete" poem but they also turned the reading into a brief sing along. I keep waiting for Mr. Rogers to walk through the door.

WINTER IS HERE....

Ignore the timings...last week, this week, blah blah...i start writing and don't get around to finishing until a week later. Picture aren't working again.

I went out to Jersey to give rock climbing a try. It was fun. It was a little hard for me to get use to just leaning back to come down, you really have to trust the person handling the rope. But I did and it was quite an adrenalin rush. I am definitely going to do that more. We had a little six year old friend along. It was both of our first times to rock climb…we totally bonded and coached each other through the fear. We were climbing at one of the base camps for Project USE…I can’t wait to work for them and become a pro at all this outdoor stuff….if things work out.

On my way home from rock climbing I got a message from my dad. He was stuck in Jersey for the night due to a missed flight. We totally lived it up! I got to take him out to eat at one of my old chef’s restaurant where we were totally taken care of. And boy did we live it up, we were out and about on the streets until 5 am. It was super great.


Also last week I went with Chrissy (Dave’s sister- she is living at my apartment for a little while) to the Honorary Title. It was a hilarious and great show. As you looked across the crowd everyone was swaying, not to the music or because they had all had too much to drink, but because the boat was rocking. Ohh no need to read that again, they played on a boat. We coasted down the Hudson, getting all the great sites of New York from the water…WHILE THE BAND PLAYED. I was joking about a storm rolling in while we were waiting to get on and sure enough it happened. And it was all pretty funny (watching everyone struggle to stand) until it came time to get off. We had to walk about 7 avenue blocks to get to the subway in the pouring rain. We decided to pop into Mike’s Pizza Place on the way. That story could be a novel all by itself. This lady and her brother were regulars there. When she kept trying to draw sympathy from him because we were soaking wet and he offered his us his delivery service…he could deliver boyfriends…any color we want. Then it ended with Mike, (Mr Pizza himself), giving us an umbrella to use. I swear all those rumors about New Yorkers being rude is untrue….how many times have you walked into a business and be given an umbrella by a perfect stranger? I rest my case.

This past weekend was full of a different kind of adventure. It was my first time on a bus since nightmarish trip home from Virginia. And it was a very pleasant 2 hour ride to Atlantic City. Well at least until we got there and the bus driver turned around to ask direction to the casino. After many failed turns she got off the bus to ask for directions and I decided to get off then too. With in 10 minutes I was not only at the Taj Mahal but I already had my stuff in the locker room and was diving into the swimming pool. The whole trip was a little sur-real. The Rooms, food, basically everything besides the Casino was completely free because we were part of “Marti’s” party. Marti is a guy I vaguely know from the neighborhood. He is a high rolling electrician. He gambles so much money that they comp his bill. And at one point he was apparently down $60,000. But ohh don’t worry he ended up coming out ahead. He is a little out there, too. He told some crazy stories with him as the James Bond hero, except of course he thinks his are better because he believes they are real. The first night in the casino I spend a lot of time watching the tables. Then the second night I played. And thanks to an amazingly friendly new Yorker (once again) who was threw down money for me when my money was gone I was able to develop quite a strategy. I can’t wait to go back (maybe in a year or two when I can throw away a little money again). I also got to walk on the beach and put my feet in the freezing ocan. It was nice despite the jelly fish. And I wasn’t only there in style. I came home in one of the 5 limos bringing the troops back to Brooklyn. It was quite a weekend.

Alright short. Yes. I also went to the Say Anything show at Irving Plaza. A great venue and show. He so dramatic it’s no wonder he breaks down. Luckily for me though this was the first day of the ‘seal the deal’ tour. AND it was super great!


I also went to the indigo girls show...interesting, but it was at radio city. It is a great place to see! There were people on the street just trying to GIVE AWAY tickets, so if anyone visits you should swing by and look for free tickets.
I am going to visit my dad, mom, Ty and my brother in ohio this weekend. I might be coming back with some news. We will see how it goes.